We’ve been hiding something from you…
I won’t lie, it is still pretty wild that I’m writing these words today..what!? :) If you know me at all, becoming a mother was just never something I envisioned for myself. I grew up playing with Barbies and dolls, but beyond that, my “maternal” side never really kicked in. I hated babysitting, I never enjoyed playing with little kids, and even to this day, I break out in a sweat if I hold a baby.
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Let’s take it back in time…
In middle school, high school, college, and beyond my focus was ALWAYS my career. Because doing what I love, every single day was just so much more important to me than starting a family and having kids.
I’m sure there are a handful of you reading this that can relate to this. Those who know the feeling of constantly hearing “oh, you don’t want kids??”, “When are you having kids”, “it will change once you get married”, “but life is so much better with kids”, etc…
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Luckily, my family and friends completely understood where we stood and respected that. And this goes without saying, the fact that Kiley was okay with all of it too is something I will never take for granted. For the past 15+ years, he’s been supportive in every big life decision and has been by my side with all of it. He’s pretty amazing if I say so myself.
So, for about 34 years… that was EXACTLY how I felt. Being a mom just never crossed my mind and I was very content being a dog mama for life ;)
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But then, there was a small shift last December and something changed.
My husband and I were out for our annual Holiday dinner and there was a baby across the way. It kept staring at us and smiling. Not ever crying, just smiling and enjoying itself (in a very nice restaurant, btw).
I then turned to Kiley and asked “what do you think it would be like if we did have a baby”? And his response was simple… “I think we’d be good at it”. That conversation continued for hours. This was the FIRST time we ever discussed the real possibility of kids in our life. It was exciting, scary..and just new.
And I get it, it sounds so nonchalant. But, that’s how it happened, kind of out of nowhere. I can’t say I had baby fever, and as TERRIBLE as this sounds, I just started noticing more babies and not being freaked out by them.
This was a whole new feeling, a feeling that I think most women have for YEARS before they actually have kids. So, in a way, I’ve only had a short time to ‘emotionally prep’ for this.
On October 15th we got our first positive test. I may or may not have gone into a state of panic (oops), but it’s life-changing! — Can I even be a good mother? What if something happens to the baby? What is going to happen to my business? What if I don’t like playing with kids? How will our marriage change?
ALL THE THOUGHTS.
Yet, I felt so unbelievably lucky. I know SO many women struggle and there is a part of me that feels guilty. Guilty that it only took 9 months for it to happen for us. Guilty that it did happen after all the years of not wanting it. Guilty that my first trimester wasn’t terrible. Guilty that I’m not comfortable with my growing body.
But, one thing I’m not guilty of.. my pure happiness and excitement for us. Although it’s an emotional rollercoaster, I do think we’ll be great, insanely loving, hopefully hilarious, parents.
And more than anything, I hope to show it what love is, what passion and hard work looks like, what confidence means, and how important kindness is. Oh, and how to dominate in bags ;)
So, here’s to our mini-mondloch, our June-bug
Due june 29th!
