Becoming a 1 in 4

I’m sitting here, looking out my window with just a blank stare. I have moments of just sadness and heartache, moments of guilt, and moments of anger.

*Trigger Warning: This is about pregnancy loss*

It was mid-October, and I was in the thick of launching my newest Showit template. About 6 days before launch, it was decided that it would be best to move all of my templates back to my shop (as I previously had them exclusively on Northfolk).

I decided to not only launch this whole new template, matching socials, email templates, etc.. but, now move over all my templates.

This has become my biggest regret.

For those who know what launches are like (especially if doing it solo), you know the stress that takes over your body. I was often up at 3 a.m. working nonstop, and I got cystic acne and cold sores (both of which only happen when my body is stressed). I was just burning the candle at both ends.

I knew what I was doing.

Yet I kept going.

On the launch day, I felt relief that it was finally over… I was almost 8 weeks along and was dealing with plenty of nausea, insomnia, exhaustion, and cravings (I also hated the smell of coffee).

I finally felt like I could relax and take in this pregnancy… get excited about it.

October 23rd came, the day after the launch, and suddenly all my symptoms disappeared.

I tried to not think about it, but in the back of my head, I just prayed to get nauseous again. Every hour that passed.. all I wanted was to feel sick again.

I talked to my friends and my sister and they reassured me that this could happen and that maybe I’m just lucky to not have symptoms anymore.

Being that I already had an ultrasound with a healthy little baby a week and a half prior, I would have to wait 4 more weeks to try and hear a heartbeat.

Each day was absolute mental torture. Something was off, so I scheduled an appointment with my midwife at/around my 10-week mark.

The Friday before my appointment something changed.

I had some slight cramping and a tiny bit of spotting. I knew something wasn’t right.

I tried to stay hopeful, maybe it was just my uterus growing?

On Sunday, November 3rd Charli wasn’t sleeping well and needed me that night. I got up at 1am to use the bathroom before going to her room to get her.

And that’s when I knew.

It wasn’t just spotting anymore.

I just laid down with her and cried. It’s almost like she knew I needed her.

We went to the ER that morning. The doctor was trying to explain the 3 possible reasons for bleeding.. but, I already knew in my heart.

We got the ultrasound and just waited (what felt like hours) for the doctor to come back and tell us the results.

You know, sometimes in life, certain things become ingrained into your brain. Something you know you’ll live with forever.

When the doctor walked in, I’ll never forget that look on his face right before I heard the words “Baby stopped growing at 7 weeks 6 days”.

I did this.

I know I did.

And for those who have miscarried like me, it’s impossible to not think like that.

The following days were even harder.

*Warning again, as I’m about to share my experience*

I don’t think enough women talk about the process of actually miscarrying. The mental torture of the unknown and how long it will take. I didn’t know how many days I was going to bleed until I passed it. I didn’t know that your body has to go into labor. I didn’t know I’d have some of the back pain (like I did in labor). I didn’t know I’d have contractions. I didn’t know the amount of blood and tears… that can last for weeks.

I was going on 4 weeks of this miscarriage. About 2 weeks of knowing something was wrong, 6 days of bleeding until it passed, and another week of cramping, back aches, and spotting/bleeding until it was ‘all out’.

However, I’m grateful that I could be home with my husband through it all and beyond grateful to have Charli too (I needed her more than ever). Not only that but I was grateful to be able to do expectant management and let my body do what it needed to do.

Although I desperately wished that it wasn’t so extended and that I could have just woken up one day, bled, and passed it on the same day (or next).. that just wasn’t my story.

The crazy things:

• October was infant loss and awareness month. When I felt something was ‘off’, seeing all the stories on Instagram of women sharing made me feel less alone.
• My sister also miscarried her 2nd child in October (years ago).
• The day we found it, it was non-stop raining, the days leading up to passing it were also rainy. The day after it happened, the sun came out and it was beautiful.
• On the morning of Nov. 6th (the day it happened), we went to Goodwill to get some items for my built-ins and to take my mind off it (despite having the physical pains). It was a short trip, but I grabbed some books and a few random frames. I told my husband I needed a small frame. He was looking up high and grabbed a little 5”x5” one, it was the perfect size. To be honest I never look at what’s inside, I just care about the frame ;)The next day, when my pains were gone and this heaviness seemed to be lifted slightly, I was putting away the stuff we bought from Goodwill. Charli grabbed the small frame, handed it to me, and said “baby”. I had NO clue why she said that, but when I looked at the frame it said:“Mothers hold their children’s hands for a short while, but their hearts forever”My friends, this absolutely BROKE me. Charli only says ‘baby’ when she sees one or points to a belly (which has been hard). I’ll never forget this moment, I took that tiny quote out and put it into her baby book next to the ultrasound.

They also don’t tell you how lonely it can feel. My husband was there for me, but he couldn’t quite understand the emotions and what it’s like carrying a baby (even if it’s 8 weeks). My friends and family texted me every few days, but considering we didn’t have any family around us, it was just hard. I felt like if I asked someone to come over, it was a burden. So, I would cry in the shower, cry in bed, cry while holding Charli at night, cry in the car, you name it. It became very isolating at times.

A friend of mine warned me that I might feel fear or sadness that people will forget about this (the baby/the experience/etc). But, to realize that it’s not about them forgetting… it’s about ME forgetting.

The day after I passed it my husband came home with a small plant and card. I didn’t realize how much I needed something from someone to help remind me of this moment, of this baby. I think that’s a big part of grieving, to have something that will always remind you. So, we plan to plant a tree next May (the month of its due date).

I also have to thank my Chiropractor who dropped off a lasagne and a client who sent me a DoorDash gift card… the last thing I felt like doing was making food and that meant the world to me.

It’s so unfair that so many women have to go through this. I so badly want Charli to have a sibling and now I can’t help but wonder if she’ll ever experience that at all.. which breaks my heart.

My sister and I are about 18 months apart and best friends. She’s the only person in this world who knows what I’ve gone through because she has gone through it too. I remember her teaching me how to tie my shoes, wiping my tears when our dog died, laughing with me when I’d do something stupid, holding my hand on that first day of our new school when we moved {and there at the door during recess}, and breathing with me while in labor (well, she had to do a lot more than that ;)

I want that for Charli, someone to experience all the good {and bad} with in life and can only hope it will happen someday.

However, right now, the best I can do is share my story, pray we’ll get our rainbow baby, and just take in this time with Charli girl.

Things happen for a reason and I truly do believe that ❤️

Thanks for letting me share my story.